Every marriage is a different story and the same. Almost every married couple goes through the rituals of hitting the highs and at times, rock bottom too, like in every other relationship.
Happiness and excitement in married life do not always manifest with the fairy tale “Everlasting love.” For most of the couples, the first few years of a marriage are usually thought to be some sort of extended honeymoon period, filled with great sex, good communication and travelling together to exotic places, to celebrate the togetherness.
When boredom Hits!
After having enjoyed the excitement of the honeymoon stage, the fun of buying a house and filling it with furniture, and children, most of us settle in for a comfortable routine. This is when your relationship can slip into auto-pilot when the stresses of daily living take over and you start to get concerned about money and children instead of spending quality time together. You tend to fall into a routine where you become little more than cohabitants and parents, and where the spark and the excitement of your relationship is gone.
And though there are many variations to this subtle form of boredom, the main quality is that it’s a matter of perception. As there is no process to scientifically measure the limits of boredom one may experience in a relationship, it’s all in the eyes of the participants. Most of us have over the years built a pretty clear image of what it means to be bored with your partner. If like beauty, boredom too is a matter of beholder, then by changing that mental image, it may be possible to reduce that boredom.
Branching out disastrously from boredom!
In other words, if you keep thinking that you’re missing out on something in life, or asking yourself if things are as good as they’ll get, then you need to take action before your marriage tumbles completely breaks down. With boredom acting as a trigger it can rapidly lead to infidelity and other methods of escape.
We have seen more than once before that a bored spouse may find other kinds of escape that is not befitting of a married life. He or she might begin to seek thrills through pornography, or try to drown their boredom with alcohol or other addictions. If these are the signs that you have notice in your spouse lately, rather than seeking a way out, you need to work on creating a new marriage from within. Here are a few tips on how to burst through the boredom and make your married life come alive with all that goodness togetherness brings.
1. Every relationship has its ups & downs
Like the waves of the sea, every one of our relationships also have a natural ebb and flow — you just have to ride out those periods of indifference. Being bored, appears at the settling down phase of any relationship.
With many of married life’s wants and needs satisfied, it seems as if you don’t reach for the lively ways of Life nor is it coming at you anymore. So what’s the way out? Is there a solution? First, start a new thread – start a conversation with your partner. Share the details of the things, the feelings for each other that brought you together in the first place and why it is not that exciting anymore.
For example you can make a start by listing out the reasons you find uniquely sexy and exciting about your partner – try to imagine seeing them for the first time and taking a step back to appreciate what you have. Keep a tab on the number of stares (kidding!) you get when you’re happy together in public, and try to look at them through fresh eyes. Make a list of the things you want to improve in your lives together. Sit down and talk about it.
2. Appreciate What You Have
While the grass always seems greener on the other side, in every relationships the gives & takes are different in proportion & frequency. Some may bring in uniquely different perspective to your life and not be physically sexy as you would want him/her to be. All that “something different” he or she has to offer need to be considered good as it has the tendency to keep life interesting. If you have altered the perceptions of your partner to suit your needs, you’d probably find you actually have lost what attracted you to them in the first place.
If we could try to learn to appreciate what you’ve got in your relationship half and more of your relationship problems are solved. If and when you begin to accept & even appreciate your partner for the one he/she is, you also begin to reap the riches of a peaceful, loved relationship.
3. What do you mean by “boredom” in your relationship?
What is boring to you could still be exciting or at least neutral to someone else. If you asked married couples to rate a list of terms that could apply to a boring relationship, obviously not everyone would have precisely the same image of boredom. Most often, it is lack of interest in your partner that emerges as the number one quality of a boring relationship. There are others that believe that lack of compatibility causes boredom.
The other reasons quoted for boredom in married life is loss of excitement, spark, fun, and lack of surprises, like it used to be when your relationship flowered. It also resulted in decrease of sexual interest, being sick and tired of the relationship, nagging and feeling nothing.
4. Find what your partner thinks about the relational boredom.
Just like you, does he or she long for a change in your daily living? Or is he/she content with the routine you’ve built over the years? You should also try to find whether your partner is truly interested in you as a person or finds your personality to be a source of endless intrigue. If you are intent on bridging the gap and rekindling your relationship, once you’ve both put your prototypes out there to compare, you can figure out what you need to do to set things right.
5. Find how to turn this into a non-boring relationship.
Over the years, every relationship has the tendency to miss out on surprises and fun that made it interesting at the start of the relationship. We become predictable to our spouse and vice versa. Sit down to find ways you’re each comfortable with to change and save yourself from the routine into which you’ve fallen.
It’s not just boredom that you are escaping. You need to spice things up in every activity you indulge in. The truth that your relationship has ‘stagnated’ somewhat as a couple, then there is every possibility that it started with you stagnating as individuals too. So try to renew things yourself. Give in to minor indulgences like changing your wardrobe and opting for a new look, however old or young you are. But before that, make a positive perception change about yourself if you have been lacking in that direction. Whatever change that you incorporate into your married life is sure to bleed into your romantic life and create opportunities to talk to each other to recapture that fascination you both once had for each other.
6. When compelled, seek counseling!
If any amount of talking between you doesn’t get you anywhere near the results you desire, seeking the skill of an expert can help. Taking professional advice can give you a much-needed change of perspective. Be sure to put your problem situation across as one of boredom and not that of conflict. A professional counselor can help you kick back in some interest in each other as strong and lively as it was at the start of your relationship.
7. Find a different activity to do together every day
Many years of research has shown that couples who share new and interesting experiences together are more committed to each other and less likely to report boredom. Do something that you guys used to do for fun but have stopped once the kids showed up or since you moved to the new job that stifles out your time. Try something new – one that you have always talked about doing but never got around to do.
Instead of you branching out with the selfish needs of your own, your branching out needs to reflect the needs of both, as a couple. Find the things that interests you and she will enjoy. Do it for her own good even if it doesn’t interest you as much as she! Whether it is a road trip, or you just trying to feed each other with the lights off, make sure what you plan for her brings back that element of surprise too. Either way make it unique for just the two of you and try to be creative with how you spice things up.
8. Make the self to Act
Instead of blaming your spouse for the boredom in your life, it is easier to engage you time in a useful hobby that interests you. From sewing & painting, to jogging, building furniture, puzzle books or cooking, it is double the fun if you have a hobby that both you and your spouse can enjoy together, which often doesn’t happen. It could even add a few more dollars to your monthly income.
While Men are from Mars and women, the Venus taking up a hobby allows you to be your own person, keep your mind engaged and happy, and also maintain the honor of your marriage by having a clean diversion. It doesn’t always have to be a trip out of town or a costly European vacation – you could find the time for togetherness at the movies, orchestras, go bowling, to wine tastings, etc. Make each date you go on a little different so you can enjoy your experience to the fullest and get a break from your routine in a healthy way.
The benefits of a good marriage cannot be replicated through any other experience in life.
9. Spice up your sex life
Sex has to remain on the top of the list to have a successful marriage. It is now even clearer to me that sex should be at the root of a strong marriage. Our social, economical and political life could also have a say on our sex life. In times of economic distrust like now, as many couples are forced to suffer the ups and downs of the economy and job loss, our sexual appetite too goes haywire. It made perfect sense — if you are not feeling good about yourself then how can you have good sex? Then there are other variables – the baby stays up all night crying or the kids are in the bedroom next door or “the list” of to do keeps our minds preoccupied. When there are these many distractions that creep into our sex life how can we be able to relax and enjoy sex as is expected to be. Can we ever reclaim our pre-sexual life before parenthood?
Keep the sexual intimacy between you fresh so that you both look forward to making love and see the act as an exciting adventure together. Open up and talk honestly with your partner about their secret desires and the ways you can make sex more exciting. Once you are comfortable talking sex with one another, you’ll feel more deeply connected and satisfied. Moreover, the importance of touch and being affectionate is also important for our children to see.